


A Woman One Should Stay Far Away From

by earsXfeet6669



Category: Natasha Pierre and the Great Comet of 1812 - Malloy, Voyná i mir | War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-15
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:35:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28093266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/earsXfeet6669/pseuds/earsXfeet6669
Summary: Marya and Hélène finally discuss their true feelings toward each other.
Relationships: Marya Dmitryevna Akrosimova & Elena "Hélène" Vasilyevna Kuragina
Comments: 3
Kudos: 5





	A Woman One Should Stay Far Away From

“Wow, you despise me, don’t you?” Hélène said, glaring at Marya D. 

“I sure do.” Marya narrowed her eyes. “I’m glad no one mistakes this for sexual tension and ships us because you kissed someone who looked a bit like me once.” 

Hélène recoiled, disgust written across her face. “Dear God,” she said. Marya’s ferocious scowl deepened. Hélène rolled her eyes. “Dear gosh,” she corrected. Marya nodded self-righteously, and Hélène continued. “That would be horrible. Our only interaction is you basically calling me a whore. Kinda rude, by the way.” 

“Not if it’s true,” Marya sniffed. 

“It’s not,” Hélène insisted. “Just because I loudly called myself a slut in certain adaptations-“ here she side-eyed the Great Comet playbill on the wall - “doesn’t mean I actually am. Am I a beacon of chastity? Maybe not. But my brother is infinitely worse than me.” 

“I’m pretty sure Ippolit’s a virgin.” 

“Not him! Anatole.” 

Marya looked skeptical. “If your only defense is ‘Anatole is more of a slut than I am’ I’m not convinced. The bar is on the floor.” 

Hélène shrugged. “That’s a decent point, actually.” 

“Of course it is. All my points are.” 

“Whatever. Can we get back to what you just said though? About people thinking there’s sexual tension between us?” 

Marya shuddered. “Oh, yeah. That.” 

Hélène grimaced. “Considering the fact that I was obviously attracted to your goddaughter, you would think-“ 

“You WHAT?” Marya yelped. 

“Yeah,” Hélène said casually, studying her nails. “Anatole was right about one thing. Natasha is super hot.” 

Marya blinked furiously. She seemed to be at a loss for words. Hélène smirked. She frowned. 

“As I was saying, you would think people would realize there’s a massive age gap between us. You’re old enough to be my grandmother. If my mom had children really young, I guess.” 

“I’m still stuck on the fact that you’re into Natasha,” Marya confessed. 

“I would’ve totally eloped with her if Anatole hadn’t gotten there first,” Hélène’s expression turned crafty. “Maybe I should still. That’d be funny. Pierre likes her, obviously. For his wife to elope with his crush would be poetic justice.” 

“It’d be a jerk move,” Marya said flatly. “Besides, Natasha wouldn’t fall for another Kuragin. No one would make that mistake twice.” 

Hélène gave a cough that sounded oddly like ‘Dolokhov’, although Marya didn’t see what that had to do with anything. 

“But anyway,” she continued. “It’s good to know that nobody ships us in a weird creepy way, and they don’t destroy our characters to do so.” 

“Ooh yeah,” Hélène agreed. “Can you imagine if they made us soft and in love with each other? I’m gagging.” 

“I can’t believe I’m agreeing with you, harlot, but yes. That is a particularly disturbing idea.” 

“Not to mention the fact that at the time I was literally having an affair with Dolokhov at that moment. I know they think I’m a slut but do they think you’d be chill with being a side chick?” 

“I’m nobody’s side chick,” Marya hissed. “I’m the terrible dragon of Moscow!” 

“Yeah, yeah,” Hélène said rolling her eyes. “We get it. You’re a big lizard. Spooky.” 

“I like lizards,” Marya said, disconcerted. 

“Ew,” Hélène wrinkled her nose. 

“You have no taste,” Marya said brusquely, preparing to stride off in indignation. 

“I know,” Hélène grimaced. “I hooked up with Dolokhov, of all people.” 

Marya was pretending she couldn’t hear Hélène. “Good day, Princess Kuragina.” 

“Bye,” Hélène said distractedly, her mind turning back to her most recent plan to poison Pierre. The arsenic was sure to get him this time.


End file.
